Since You've Been Gone (Zimah)

I'm going to update some really old news here. We haven't really been updating since the exams are inching closer.

Monday 11th August 2008;
The first day since Saidi left the Gay Club... The atmosphere of that day reflected my mood. Gloomy... I think it's a bit cheesy to say that Saidi was the sun that brighten our day. I was in no way ready for my Maths test. Well how could you when you've been staying in a hotel? I barely finished my 3 homeworks during the weekend. After my block 1 Chemistry, I told Elaine I was going to the Library to study. I did but I couldn't get anything through my clouded mind. There were other things... Truthfully, I was sort of avoiding my PS mates. I knew Saidi wasn't there. I wasn't ready for his absence just yet...

My Maths was... horrible. I couldn't concentrate and due to lack of sleep, the gears of my mind wouldn't turn. I got 50% if you're curious. What Mdm Ooi calls 'cukup makan'. My lowest Maths grade ever! I wasn't sure if I was bothered about my plummeting grade or the fact that Saidi wasn't with us anymore. English was... moody. I felt really annoyed that people kept asking me questions and I think the scowl on my face was evident. Syairah told me to cool down because I scared her. I plastered a fake smile and said sorry. Lunch... Dear God. I don't think I could survive the whole day. Jazz (Ainal) wasn't there to keep me company and calm me down. Tears kept glazing over my eyes whenever they accidentally took the Surau in view. The Azan nearly killed me. That would have been the time when Saidi would ask me to hold his glasses for him. Biology, thank goodness! The last subject of the day. Biology calmed me down as I had to focus on my practicals. Then I went home and cried my eyes out.

Tuesday, 12th August 2008;
Today, I was mentally prepared. My classes were dull so I'm just skipping straight to block 2 PS. The very fact of PS made my legs want to turn 180 degrees and run the hell away. I had no choice though, Sham announced that Saidi left us something. To me, it was a better reason to run but I don't think Elaine and Nesh would have let me. Baby Alai, Pirah, Nesh and I brought our food Chips and Rogut, Chips and Ressoles, you get the idea... We wanted to eat first and have Sham read Saidi's 'will'. He ended up reading it first and the whole table was dead silent. I couldn't help but clench my jaw and fists as he read on. I felt my body vibrate, was I really holding back the urge to cry? When a part of the letter talked on about me, my tears threatened to spill and they did. Well, you could guess it was a very sad day. Then Shadab told us that he received a text message from Saidi asking how we were holding up. I quickly checked my phone, remembering the vibrations. And there it was, clear as crystal! 2 missed calls and 1 text message from Saidi. I felt the corners of my lips twitch into a small sad smile at the text and answered him. We continued eating in silence until someone suggested that we'd call him. We abandoned the table and set sail towards the Surau.

I sacrificed my credit balance. The hell did I care. I had credit to burn and ten measly minutes of calling Saidi was more important. Sham was the first to speak and I was holding my breath the entire time the phone was passed around. Shadab was next then Elaine, Baby Alai, Nesh, Pirah and then... Me. My breath hitched when I held the phone to my ear. I greeted him in a strained voice, trying to sound calm for his sake. But when I heard him, I cried profusely, spilling everything I had tried to hold back. I wasted my time crying over him, mumbling incoherent sentences. All the while Saidi was telling me to stop crying. I wanted to but my eyes wouldn't let me! I didn't want him to feel guilty for leaving and I told him that but I couldn't help the joke when I said that there would be no one to accompany me to my Maths class anymore. With that we laid the phone and screamed on the top of our lungs. WE LOVE YOU SAIDI!

I dried my eyes for the second time of the day and we set off to our respective classes. Everyone kept telling me that whenever Saidi heard a female voice on the phone, he would instantly assume that it'd be me. Well, it could be because he thought I would be much calmer or rather he wanted to calm me first. Everyone ended up sending me to my Maths class because of my little comment. My eyes were still red and puffy but thankfully Mdm Ooi didn't seem to notice.

Wednesday, 13th August 2008;
Things with Saidi finally cooled down and I was calmer. I could smile without having it forced out from me. I looked forward to my PS like I always did even if he wasn't there. Our menus, as usual, Chips and something... I guess it's because it reminds us all of Saidi but then again there was the Chips Rogut obsession. We ate like usual, and chatted, fooled around, discussing his surprise party this 18th. There was an empty chair amongst the table, his chair. My phone vibrated and I smiled to the text message. Well, I'm not stating that here. =)

Anyway, something stupid happened to me. I was thirsty and my Milo Ping was finished but there was ice! I grabbed onto one of them with my straw. I was unsuccessful, the ice slipping from the straw every time I tried to indulge on my wintry beverage replacement. I looked like a fool but my friends encouraged me and I successfully latched on to an ice cube and drank it dry. I was still thirsty and there was still one more huge ice cube. I wasn't kidding when it was huge, it was most likely the size of half my fist. I was thirsty and I didn't want to wait for it to melt. I engulfed it and well... I regretted it. It set my mouth on icy fire and I was afraid I would accidentally swallow it and suffocate. I didn't want to spit it back out because that would look disgusting. haha~ But I had no idea what happened next would be even more gross! I tried to drain the solid of its water, it melted in my mouth but the ice was so big that I couldn't move to suck the water. In vain, I was unsuccessful but the water ended up spilling from my mouth and landing into my empty cup. God that was embarrassing! My mates were all laughing on the top of their lungs, hitting on the table and stomping their feet. My face was aflame and rivaled a tomato. They told me that it fell in slow motion and they should have taken a video of it to show Saidi. I would die of embarrassment if he were to see that!

During Lunch, nothing interesting happened but my phone vibrated again. It was Saidi and Ping Okay... I could cope with text messages but I don't think I was ready to hear both of their voices. My throat was suddenly dry as I talked to them, my voice sounding like I was strangled. I updated them on what's been going on and I didn't think I was going to hold up. Strings of I love yous and I miss yous fell from my mouth before we went to class. I wiped away the tears that fell to my cheeks.

Thursday, 14th August 2008;
Nothing major happed today. I hallucinated that I saw Ain that day but nothing more. Maybe it was a sign? Classes flew by and PS was on the last period. We would usually go to the Warung and I would treat Saidi to ABC but well... since he wasn't here. Most of us went home early. I didn't because my Dad wanted to go to Bandar tonight so I wasn't going to fuss about it and burden him. So I agreed to stay back until 4.30. Izzuddin was on the phone with Saidi. Hmmm... Another sign? Well, I was surprised he gave the phone to me. Still I couldn't get used to the voice without him being present. I handed the phone to his other friends at MSB, I didn't want to be selfish. It's not my phone this time. But right before lunch ended, my brother called saying there was a family emergency so I went home.

Saturday, 16th August 2008;
The bell sounded off and I joined the herd of students bustling to get to their next class. I had PS on the first period so I was in no hurry. Something caught my eye. Something green and I saw it, surrounded by MPs. I laughed and was rooted to the spot. People passing past me probably thought I was loony. Well I was hallucinating wasn't I? I composed myself walking towards the canteen, the mirage slowly walking towards me. His voice rang in my ears and I thought my mind slipped out for a second, debating if he was real or not. This happen to me last Monday so I wasn't planning on going to the Crack House anytime soon. I kept thinking of the sign on Thursday. I didn't know what the expression on my face was now but it probably resembled a brainless zombie. I totally wasn't expecting Saidi would come and I wasn't mentally prepared for it! Oh well, we went to PS together talking. I was still in disbelief.

I couldn't wait to see the reaction on Sham's face! We didn't get to the table as Cikgu Shima halted Saidi in his tracks. Then we made our way to the table. We ordered our food and sat down, taking it as if Saidi never left us. It was euphoria! Sham nearly spoiled our surprise party with his loud mouth. Could be he was in denial Saidi was sitting with us. It was fun and we played around. I couldn't help the bright smile on my face. I knew it was just a band-aid over my cut ready to be ripped off to leave a larger cut. I didn't care, it was one of the happiest days of my life. I persuaded Saidi to attend Maths class. It was hard, I begged, threatened and annoyed him to do it. I managed to and we walked to class together.

Saidi was being passed on like a bag of chocolates from one group to another. The day was like usual and I had to agree on it. It was Azan and routinely, he asked me to hold his glasses as he went into the Surau to pray. The band-aid was beginning to peel off slowly now and I felt the sting as the day inched to an end. But I smiled, Monday was going to be a great day...