Regret, No More! (Zimah)

Well, after yesterday (which was full of crying) talking about immune systems, I got to know how really weak my immune system is. Yup, right after I got home, I fell ill. I had a high fever and was confined to my bed. All the while I was thinking and having nightmares of my Maths Test and not to mention nightmares of reliving Tuesday... Well, I never got to study for my Maths. My fever was so intense, I could hardly move. I couldn't eat and I had hallucinations. In the end, I missed school and my Maths Test...

When I woke up this afternoon, I felt... empty as I remembered yesterday and my nightmares. It scared me to no end. I regretted everything yesterday. Every last damned thing. Not only did I hurt myself in the process but I had hurt Saidi as well. I blogged, I couldn't help it. I poured everything I felt yesterday into my last post. Then I went online with Qieb but just for a few moments. The I chatted with Saidi. It was painful, the wound being plastered with multiple band-aids and ripped forcefully a million times over. I apologised for everything that I had made him endure and I apologised to have made him cry. He forgave me so easily...

I read his blog and I couldn't help but cry. He's more hurt than all of us put together. I felt selfish and apologised again and again and again. He told me he was present at school today to hang out with the rest of the Gay Club and I missed it. I blame it all at the fever. He told me it was okay, that I wasn't going to get hurt by him but he's wrong. I was wrong! Avoiding him was the most stupidest idea of the century! Sure, it hurt to spend time with him knowing he's going to leave. But it hurts more to not spend time with him and have those memories. So, I regret yesterday. I regret hurting Saidi and myself. Only now I've realised it, only it's too late. I can't do anything about it.

No Sai, don't say to not blame myself over this. There no one else to blame but me. It's my mistake and I'm prepared to face the consequences. Let me take the responsibility. I also feel half responsible for making it harder for you to leave.

But, no Saidi wouldn't hear the end of it. And I quote, "We are created by Allah, so by blaming yourself, you are blaming Allah. But then, no human is perfect. Even I look forward to learn and become a stronger person!"

I give up, Sai. You always have the right words to say. If I was present today with you, I would say, "I know you've heard this a million times over but I'll say it again. I miss you Sai and I love you."